If I ever move from the land of 10,000 lakes

After being on the market this year, I thought a lot about the possibility of moving and the things I will miss about Minnesota and things I won’t.

Things I will NOT miss

1. Traffic

2. The Crime in our neighborhood

3. negative 35 wind-chill

4. housing costs

5. The Mall of America (seriously, it’s big, but it’s not really fun and can actually be obnoxious esp during the Holidays)

6. hard to break into social circles

7. Paying at times NYC prices for going out for drinks

Things I will miss

1. The public library system

2. The Minneapolis Institute of Arts

3. All my favorite coffee shops

4. the Aveda institute school

5. Ikea (it’s just fun to look)

6 Minnesota Public radio and the Current

7. All the great food

8. The Walker and the sculpture garden

9. The dog parks

10. The UMN library (i.e. Wilson library)

11. Light rail and descent public transportation system

12. Our daughter’s care giver

13. A state system that helps uninsured adults and children with health care

14. Excellent social services

15. Great parks and lakes

16. Craig’s list… in other cities it might be big, but not all. You can get great stuff!

As I reflect on the end to my graduate career at times I thinks I want to move from the Twin Cities. However, doing this list and much thinking about other various social issues lately has made me really appreciate the place I currently call home and I start to feel sad about when I will leave it. But since I will be here at least another year, I have more time with the great things here and to practice my Minnesota “O” accent.

re-reading the feminist literature

I have had a few discussions about feminism this week with different people. Not odd events, but in light of reading some more literature for my dissertation, I have realized some things again about my “feminist” academic training.

During my undergrad years, I undertook a women’s studies minor. I loved the courses, and my “home” discipline of sociology, was gladly accepted. I took the capstone women’s studies course and learned much from people across various disciplines (social sciences, biology, and architecture to name a few). I felt nurtured and was able to do a historical analysis of women in my family.

In grad school, I also undertook a feminist studies minor, but had vastly different experiences. I hated the courses, was told by the PhD students in the women’s studies department that I could not engage in truly feminist work because I was in a discipline, and felt the instructors of the courses had a similar view. Let me explain the latter part a bit more… I have to admit I am a bit of empiricist. This doesn’t stem from the idea of infamous theorists that we have to have an “objective” understanding of the world. Instead, this stems from asking critical questions about the world and thinking that are understandings are based on what we think we know about people and groups without asking them and then making decisions and the whatnot based on “partial truths.” But from this standpoint, I didn’t always like or get the in-depth feminist theory we were reading. I also asked why we something was said… it’s a critical stance I have on theory in general.

My negative feelings were further infused by other pragmatic factors in dealing with requirements of finding an outside committee member who was on the graduate faculty and associated with women’s studies (whic many students have this issue in general when finding an outside member and you have not taken classes with people).

So, in short I feel that I did not learn much from my feminist theory course(s). I was frustrated an in an environment that did not promote learning because there was a perspective that you should be know the work. However, as I go back to reading again to finish my dissertation, removed by many years from this previous coursework, and find works written by European feminist scholars, I find myself understanding and enjoying what I am reading on feminist theory. I think there are a few reasons. First,  I have my research and data in mind as I read these in which I am trying to understand. Second, I am not reading these works in a classroom and competitive environment.

Have others experienced this? Is this part of the battles of feminisms (i.e. discipline and turf wars)? Does feminist theory need to be abstract to prove a point?

Alas, some great grad students in my department are starting a feminist bonfire this summer to discuss some of the questions and more.

hospice and taking inventory of life

In my previous post, I remembered my grandmother who found her peace this past Sunday.  In having the chance to visit her before her death and my parents unconditional support of her during this past month, I have learned much about hospice.  I have discussed my mantra before that we cannot always predict life, nor can we always know why things happen until after things fall in place.  This line of thinking comes into play in thinking about what I have learned about hospice and watching my grandma on her deathbed.

Grandma was a stubborn person. This is not only descriptive, but a compliment, though it could drive us mad sometimes. However, I’ve learned a lesson based on the events of this past month. Grandma held many grudges in her life. I never heard the full stories, but her and her sisters did not get along. I also knew my grandma had been Catholic, but switched to the congregational church (UCC). I thought this happened before she had her children, but learned that my dad and uncle were baptized catholic.  The story I was told was that she got angry at the catholic church, but I don’t know the specifics and can’t guess in that my political views cloud my vision of the catholicism.  Though it may have been old age, grandma was set in her ways and could not understand the different ways of different groups. She often became upset with things at her church.  In a time of immigration to my mid-sized city in Iowa, my grandma would wonder how her Latino neighbors could eat spicy food and stare out her window at them for hours.  She did like them and though they did not communicate well because of a communication barrier, they still brought her flowers while in assisted living.

But what’s the point about all these things in relation to hospice and social science. After I visited grandma on Friday, I read the “blue” hospice book. It gives general signs of when death will happen, but makes a claim that we all reach death in our own ways. But something in the book has stuck with me.  The book discusses how we may not be able to understand what the person is thinking about in terms of not having coherent speech or brining up things of the past. But, according to hospice, this is a time of reflection and the person coming to terms of their life. Making peace would be another way to say it.

Grandma survived in hospice for 35 days, which is against the norm. During this time, her vitals would go up and down and she did not eat or drink. However, she did not let go.  My parents called my uncle who talked to her on the phone as she told them through shaking her head that she wanted to see them. My mother was apprehensive about me visiting and honestly so was I. I didn’t want to see grandma in this condition and had heard from others, that it would not be pretty.  But before I discuss my visit, they heard grandma moaning she was sorry. My family and the nurses did not know about what. They had a catholic priest come in and give her a prayer for the sick as they thought she was feeling catholic guilt. But she still held on after this.

Toddler bunky, partner, and I came last Friday. I wanted to go before, but was nervous she would die on the ride there and logistically the challenges of getting partner back for the funeral. But she held on and I think she held on so I and Toddler could say goodbye. She smiled as toddler nestled next to her in bed. She gave me a kiss and murmured “I love you.”  On Sunday morning, my parents received a call while at church and sat by her bed till five in the evening. They left home to change and she died during this time. The hospice nurse stated sometimes they want to pass away alone.

As much as I am grieving and missing her, I have to reflect on this situation to reflect on life.  Though I love my grandma dearly, I have to face the reality that grandma was if you will a type A personality and hyper about many things. She did not let go. Yes, this can be positive, but I wonder in her lengthy time in hospice if this played out?  Did she need to come to terms with many things in her life that she could only do at the end?

I take this to be a lesson on life. I too am stubborn and hyper about most things. I often forget to see the sunny side of things instead of feeling blessed with what I have. I must take a step back and take inventory of my emotions and life.

But also this experience makes me think of feminist philosophies of science, such as Keller ( I believe this is the person) who wrote about feeling the organism.  We cannot really measure qualitatively what is going through a person’s mind on their death bed. Yes, we can measure brain waves and make assumptions, but can you really tell what they are thinking.  Maybe I am a bad sociologist for saying, sometimes we do have to go with our gut assumption to make sense of something. I am not saying this applies in every situation as I am an empiricist in many ways (i.e. stopping stereotypes and discrimination), but for the case of someone dying, taking an inventory of one’s life seems like the final step.

And this makes me also wonder about the sociology of death and dying. It doesn’t seem to be a popular field and I wonder how many of us will begin to study old age and issues such as dying as the baby boom population ages?

grandma has found peace

As mentioned in a previous post, my grandma had been in hospice. She held on for thirty plus days and finally found her her peace this Sunday evening.

Toddler Bunky, partner, I are were able to say good bye on Friday and Saturday. No, it was not a pretty site, but it was much needed for her and I. My grandma is the only real grandma I have known. I was only the only grandchild to live in the same town. She would watch me when my parents went away on weekends. I would go to her house often just to visit. I took a trip with her and my grandfather when I was little to visit our relatives in Colorado. Grandma, though suborn and headstrong, was a very caring person and loved the people she did with much force. I am glad she has found her peace, though it is tough to say goodbye to such a big part of your life.

My grandma taught me many lessons in life. There is no doubt my stubbornness stems from her, but this is one of the things you had to love about her. She was not always your typical grandma… I didn’t learn to knit  from her. But she did make the gravy during the holidays, she sent me cookies when I went to college, and she was always there no matter what I did. She taught me to be independent and to speak my mind. Though as we all are, she could be contradictory, she was a feminist role model in my life.

Toddler Bunky laid in the bed with grandma on Saturday morning and grandma smiled for the first time in days. I held her hand and stroked her hear and she did not want to let go of my hand. But I had to tell her, like her family and friends, heaven was calling her to be with her loved ones there. Maybe she held on to see us. And though she was not in good shape, I needed this closure also.

Though I knew she was going to die, I still cried when I got the call last night. I know she’s in a place of peace and rest and that her spirit will carry on. Grandma, I love you and your spirit will be with us.

We travel back to Iowa for the funeral on Friday and my cousins, step-cousins, and myself will be the pallbearers. A role I have never played and will do so in the greatest respect and love for my grandma.

As we get older and our lives busier and move farther away from family and friends, we often forget how precious life is and how soon death can come. Though many don’t read this blog, if you do, I urge you to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. They may be young, they may be old, but love and peace are essential to this world.

I love you grandma and will miss you. May you be in rest and peace in heaven.

giving away my ideas for my next research project

Hello World

I wrote a large chunk on the dissertation today! Yea, now I write more as I transcend from a caffeine high to drinking beer.  But I need a break.

My dissertation is on reproductive rights and globalization, in which I study NGOs at through observations at the United Nations, conduct interviews with them, and perform content analysis of their websites. I am interested in how NGOs define reproductive rights and hence if they are inclusive of diverse women and reproductive practices in doing this. Although international law defines reproductive rights as a human right, the language is ambiguous and hence open for interpetation. That’s my “elevator” version…

But in my next study, I still want to look at reproduction, but want to focus on how cultural schemas regarding gender and intersectionality affect women’s views and experiences of pregnancy, and particurlarly mental health during pregnancy. I have a more in-depth document on this, but my point in blogging about this is the reasons I am interested in this topic.

So, medical soc literature says that those with higher social status have better health in general including mental health because they have access to insurance, better living standards, and social networks. However, my critique (or at least what I wonder) is how does gender play into this? What happens when we look at this through a gender lens? And what better case than during pregnancy when the gendered expectations role high (or even “planning a pregnancy).

So, if you have read my blog before or know me, I have one daughter who is two and one-half now. Being an only child myself, I have no desire to let her be an only child (yes, you get extra attention and maybe more financial security and material things, but it can be lonely ride, especially in my family where no one likes to talk to each other).  But, I worry about “when” to have another one in lieu of my “career”, my partners, and related things such as health insurance, money, and the such. Sorry, I didn’t mention, but you might assume, yes we are “middle class” for the most part (I have always been, but the partner grew up with much less).

So, I think about my one year visiting appointment. I wonder what I will do next year. I think next summer would be an ideal time to aim for as my insurance and pay checks last through the summer. If I don’t end up in academia, I take a few months off before another job. If I end up in academia, I have the summer. Right.. you get the point.

But what do diverse women think about as they get pregnant or plan pregnancies?  A bad example, but if I were to get pregnant now, I would freak out in relation to having a one year visiting appointment and not knowing how to handle giving birth, teaching, and the what not during the midst of the academic year.  And when I am not sure about our finances or health insurance, I am hesitant about adding a new addition to the family.  We make too much money to receive most types of social assistance, but at the same time are lacking job security in ensuring security.  What do other women do who get pregnant? What is an ideal time for diverse women?

I will actually give you some ideas on the mental health aspect so you don’t think that I’m just a  privileged academic  with secure middle class standing questioning her reproductive timing.   How do gender expectations differ for pregnancy across diverse lines? How do diverse women come to define mental health during pregnancy and how this affect if they experience depression and the so on and seek help? I think it is opposite of what the med soc literature says. Upon reading and discussing works on diverse women and reproduction, I think cultural schemes of gender are tied to intersectional identity and that this has an impact on pregnancy experiences. I now realize some of my ideas about this are related to the crim lit. But, we are expected to act in certain gendered ways, but we know gender is not a universal concept. Thus, do “women on the top” think they have more to loose if they admit that they are feeling depressed during pregnancy?

Okay that’s it for now. Must get back to the dissertation writing. I realize this is rambling, but hey, it’s my blog, right?

songs that engage the sociological mindset

Many of us who teach sociology, use media to portray our concepts to our students.  With the advent of you-tube and many television shows being available on the internet, this has become a common place.  Some great instructors I know have also used songs to “set the mood” in classes or to teach social movements. But, there are so many songs I hear that engage my sociological imagination that I forget about until I listen to them again. And some of these songs are more general,  but in both my procrastination of writing my dissertation and what I call my writing warm up exercises, let me begin a list. Feel free to add!

The Kinks: Picture Book: A telling song about how we want to present reality. Particularity meaningful is a phrase regarding pictures of your mom and dad showing they were happy. I would use this song for marraige and the family to talk about the nostalgic ideals of the 50’s families that hid many “problems” of the era. Also, this would be a good song to discuss the idea that thoughts and action do not always link.

The Cure: Boys Don’t Cry: the obvious in relation to the social construction of gender.

The Who: Teenage Wasteland: can be used to exemplify the concept of anime.

I will add to this list, but I do want to add to the point that I believe sometimes as social scientists, who are academics, we become presumptuous in our abilities to analyze the world. We are the ones who did this through theory and empirical studies.  And though I am an empiricist in many ways as i believe this presents us from saying things that are not reality, we also have to take a step back at times. Life is life and its complicated. But coming from a background with many friends who are musicians, music is an important element to our social fabric in providing many things.Many musicians write songs about society and sometimes we can utilize the songs as a way to help explain what we are saying to our students.

my first post regarding the job market

I have avoided writing about the job market on my blog, but it’s time.  There is a phrase I do not want to hear for a long time. That is “fit with our department.”  Though, this phrase is how we keep our self-esteem up through the process of the job market and rejections, meaning we tell ourselves that it is not “ourselves” but factors we cannot control such as “fit” with the department. However, this phrase is something trite to me. You may ask why I did not write about the job market until now… well it’s a highly emotional process that you keep private. There’s ups and downs and a host of other emotions associated with it.  I do not know at this point if I will do it again. I’m still tied from it.  People have accused me and others as bei aruge this ing sell-outs for this stance, but I cannot tell you how much emotional energy it takes. However, here’s an idea I have been pondering. I have a document with “advice” I learned from being on the market from my actual experiences and the guidance I received from others. More to the point, when we go on the market we tend to hear only the success stories (and I can understand why), but at the same time, this sets one up for an un-realistic view of what can happen and what is actually more normal (i.e. it may take 2-3 years to find the right job). Sorry to all my social science friends who think there are factors we can rely on to explain why someone gets a job and someone does not. Sure, there are certain factors such as publications, teaching experiences, and the good old phrase “fit”, but some it’s luck.  Ok, so what is this idea… there seems to be an open niche for someone to write a book on the experiences they have when they are “not successful” their first time.  I argue it is important to note these experiences because of the mantra we learn from our “mistakes” or “failures” though I wish this not to be labeled as a failure (as in my case, my job for this coming year works with my family situation). Furthermore, though as social scientists, we can analyze the structural factors affecting everything else in the world, we seem to miss the mark when looking at the job market (and I think it is quite apparent that current economy has affected the number and type of jobs in addition to the number of people back in school). Would this book make me a success? Sorry for the sarcasm about publishing embedded in that statement!  But seriously, I think this would be useful as all the books seem to be from a different point of view and one from the side of the candidates would be great to provide even the practical advice on things you may not even thnk about in the journey called the job market.

Again, I will restate a point earlier… as social scientists we want to be able to “predict” things with a degree of certainty. Furthermore, I believe that we think we have worked so hard for this PhD and been socialized into the academic realm that we believe the tenure track job is the logical next step that will happen without any “confounding” variables. But sometimes, we can’t predict. Sometimes we can’t know why something happened until after the fact.  Things often work out for reasons we would never have expected. That’s my advice for now…

the joys of higher education & the process of mourning my grandma…

Where do I begin?

It’s the end of the semester and I am done grading! But I still need to finish my dissertation in the next few months.  But today, did I get to work on this? No, I spent hours on the phone dealing with partners old student loans that are PAID (back 4 years ago, paid OFF!), but someone made reporting mistake. UGHH!!!!!!!!!  I cross my fingers the guarantor calls back or the state general attorney’s office will be the next step.   Not to mention that I have called India twice today (outsourcing) to spend 10 minutes waiting to be transferred back to the US. And that automated systems are so much fun. Should I just hired an attorney? I spent around five hours on the phone with this…

But the end of the semester is often bittersweet. You come to cherish many of your students over the course of the semester and lots of well wishes were pronounced last week. But then you have the task of grading, calculating grades, dealing with end of the semester emergencies, and the so on.  But I will really miss many of my students and hope them well in their future endeavors.

Lastly, as I try to focus on my dissertation, I am beginning to mourn in that my grandmother has been given 48 hours to live and is in serious pain and as my mom says, “loosing it” mentally near her death bed. As a woman who I love so much, this is hard for me not to able to go home and say goodbye. I want to hug and hold her as she did for me when I was little. We have known for a weeks she is dying as she went into hospice and I have begun my mourning. Yet, I find hard to truly focus on this when I have all these other deadlines I am working on.  Everyone talks about academia being this open career, but at times, you feel like you are constantly sinking and thus, time for anything else is hard. But I promised myself, beyond crying in the car or when alone getting acupuncture, I will write how I feel about this and how much I love my grandma.  Maybe I am using my dissertation and other deadlines as an excuse not to let it all it right now, but the gates will burst soon.