a new way to play croquet

<>At family get together #3 this past weekend, we dug out my parent's croquet set from 1972.   We set it up in the backyard and decided to play by some new rules. We let the dog out with us and if he moved your ball (he loves to fetch and carry balls around in his mouth), you had to play from where he moved you.  It was way too much fun! I highly suggest you play this way. If your nice, I'll let you borrow my dog. 

gendered thought of the day

Here's a story… once I told a male that kept cutting me off in a conversation that this was an example of gendered communication. He told me he didn't believe in my b.s. feminist analysis.

I am missing some important documents and in having an ever so pleasant conversation with person about this, I was told I was upset.  Yes, obviously I was upset… this was the third important document that had gone missing. 

Would he have said this to a man?  But again, if the man was upset, how woud he have presented this?

Why am I saying this…I was forutnate to have a family, that for the most part, didn't question what  I did because I am female. I had great friends and co-workers in college, where sexism wasn't much of an issue in my daily life.  I  probably had similar thinking to my undergrads, despite my studies in gender at the time, that sexism was something that happened to other people and in other places. 

But when I started teaching, I realized the power of gendered expectations… And I realize how when I am talking to service workers, the gendered nature of the conversation and how some older men start to act "fatherly" to me or try to tell me what  I really want. And this irritates me…. 

I do not call everything sexist or think that all things are due to gender socialization… I do think there are individual differences that rest on personality, bios, etc.

However, what I am frustrated with is the denial of clearly obvious examples of gendered expectations (and these could happen to women or men… I see it with parnter when people ask him about sports, which he despises… they make the assumption he likes sports b/c he is a "man").    

baby bunky… linking academics to “real life”

I often teach soc of families and relate to my students how even if we "de-gender" family life, other institutions will still have a gendering effect on families (i..e work, etc). After baby bunky came, I realized this to be true and thought a lot about gender, children, and families. But on the other hand, as I told a prof one day, I thought a lot about inequality in general after she was born. But I also have been thinking about gender in relation to baby life in regards to control over women's bodies and control over women in general.

<>For instance, when reading information on babies and their development, there are very expensive toys that are labeled as "musts" so your baby will be "smart." I go to a infant-parent connection class. Though I live on the same side of town, I live in the poorer section. And though partner has a good job, I'm a grad student (who does adjunct occasionally to make extra money). Needless to say the women are nice and supportive, but most live in areas of the city we could never afford. They are signed up for every baby class in the city (baby music, baby sign language, baby whatever). They have the new and improved baby items (slings, swings, etc). I bought most of baby bunky 's gear used (for dual reasons: money and environmental) Don't get me wrong, I do like the women, but as a gender scholar (social scientist), I think a lot about such things.

So I drive home to my n'hood. There are homeless people on the street corner daily (we live off an interstate) holding signs asking for money, work, food, etc. I see the kids in my neighborhood who don't come from well to do families and many of us end up "parenting" these kids when they engage in negative behaviors (i.e. throwing rocks at our dog and telling me this was ok b/c his mom throws shoes at him).  I live in a neighborhood with racial and economic diversity.

I am a grad student who didn't get to take maternity leave. I don't feel right using the baby as an "excuse" for why I am slow at getting my work down this semester (though it is the case… who can read or write coherently with chronic sleep deprivation). I didn't sleep much for four months. I still work part time each week, but also have to work on my dissertation above and beyond this. I volunteer in my n'hood because I care about it and want it to be a great place to live. I volunteer for academic organizations (because I like to and for networking purposes for getting a job later).

<> I'm supposed to feel guilty about supplementing with formula because "breast is best". I do both, but yet if I bf, I'm not supposed to have a drink , have coffee, or anything else that may help me cope with adult life or be able to write a coherent piece of work with lack of sleep (i.e. one cup of coffee is not sufficient)

<>So, what does this have to do with inequality and/or gender?

<>1. When you pass betwen the extreme class worlds, you feel like you are not being a "good" mom if you are not taking your baby to all the classes and buying the new, fancy gear. But then I come back to my n'hood and feel extreme guilt because our society is so inequitable and I am worrying about material things when there are people right there who can't afford the basic necessities of live.

2. In terms of gender, controling women and their bodies….

a) I remember reading Sharon Hayes and the "Mommy Wars" and being a supermom. I thought I would never worry about that.  But it's hard to escape. There's never enough time. Being an academic is not a 9-5 job and I don't even have that much time with our current childcare arrangements. If I am at home, I feel extreme guilt if I am not playing or interacting with the baby, yet I have mounds of work to do. And then you read the studies that show women who work from home have been found to have less attachment to their children because they can't pay attention to them the whole time… What is my point? There is guilt from every avenue about being a mom and an academic. If I say that I am behind because of the baby, this could be used as an argument to degrade women in our current society (though the critical welfare lit is great to counter argue this… but, unfortunately, we don't value carework and this is the reality). Society controls women by making them feel guilty for any choice they make as mothers.

b) The experts, and "mommy patrol" (i.e. read bulletin boards by mothers and you'll understand the term) say you are not a good mom unless you always bf. I am all for bf, but I am also about women deciding for themselves what is best. Of course , bf is better, but on the other hand, we have to think about other circumstances that mothers face. Modern women of the past used formula, including my mom and partner's mother. And you know what, we are both intelligent people. If we constantly shame mothers for their choices, what does this do to their ability to care for children? My point is that we know some things are better than others in an ideal world, but we must be realists and I believe support mothers when they make their own informed choices. The point is to raise children to be future citizens (or insert whatever term… good kids, etc) and feeding is only one of the avenues that is important for this. Socialization and interaction are also important.

3. So, bf is supposed to be the most natural "womanly thing" (taking the words of the famous LLL book).  But the thing is now we are extending the times that women "should" bf. The APA now says three years. Stricly bf for six months and you should bf for at least one year. And according to the "mother police" this means eating only healthy food, obstaining from alcohol, caffeine, etc. And we are all supposed to enjoy bf b/c it's bonding, easier, better, etc. Do we ask men to control their lives like this for so long? I know this could get into a biological debate dealing with gender differneces, but I think we need to look at how this could also be seen as control over women's bodies. Of course we want our children to be healthy and good kids, but again, I will reiterate my point. We have to support mother's informed choices and understand that not all moms lead the same lives. If you can bf for this long, I think that is great. I have made my own informed choices about this, but again have a hard time escaping the guilt of motherhood.